I really don’t know what my feelings are doing. They make me feel one way and then BAM something completely different without warning.

I think I’m in love. If you know me well enough you know that I don’t like to toss around that word often. If I say it, I want to mean it and not regret it. I’ve often wondered if it’s possible to love someone else without being in a relationship.  I thought about it once in regards to one person and eventually realized that I was in love with the idea of him, not the reality.

Lately it’s been different.  I have these intense feelings for this kid in my past. I would love nothing more than for us to meet again. We would hug and as I try really hard not to cry tears of joy (I don’t cry very often. If you somehow get to see tears sliding down my cheeks, it’s a bad situation and I don’t want to talk about it.) I would hope that he would kiss me on the cheek when we finally separate just so I could have and excuse to kiss him back. Mind you that’s just the introduction. You can probably imagine how much worse I would get as the fantasy meeting continues.

I want to talk to him so badly. I can’t. I can’t even say hi because I was the one who made the decision to tell him the truth. I commented on a photo and wished him happy birthday this year. If he wants to talk to me, he would reach out right? But what if he wants to but thinks that will lead into a longer conversation that I supposedly told him I don’t want to engage in. He told me he was sorry for leading me on (aka “I DON’T WANT TO DATE YOU” in most social circles). I should really take that into consideration.

Do you not understand how many damn times I thought I was over this crush. How I thought I finally laid it to rest last year once and for all. Can someone explain to me why even in La La Land I find it so hard to choose between him and my celebrity crush. That’s never happened. NEVER. It shouldn’t even happen now because the celebrity crush is absolutely perfect for me but yet it does.

My emotions. MY EMOTIONS.

It doesn’t help that he’s single now. My guess is that he won’t be once school starts up again (that’s a bad sign). But I’m counting on the fact that I won’t think about him as much by that point. My birthday is going to be a mess though. He hasn’t wished me happy birthday in three years. I’m going to be stalking my FB wall that entire week.

I sound pathetic. So pathetic. I can’t even stand me right now.

I’m going to do it. I’m going to say “Hey, how are things?” or “Hey, been a long time.” But no. He either won’t answer or he will give me the dreaded one worded answer and it will take all I have not to throw my computer at the nearest hard surface. I’ll wait until after my birthday to see if it’s out of my system then I’ll act on my feelings.

Maybe a week…

…two days…

…one day…

…an hour.

FUCK.

Okay, I’m done whining. We’ll see what happens. If I decide to do something, you’re sure to hear about it.