I think that many things have been missing from my life this past year. 

Somehow between my high school graduation and now I’ve lost the will to be positive, and my motivation to do anything productive varies depending on the hour you ask me.

After both intense self reflection and a few sessions with a shrink, I’ve decided that it’s time for my attitude to change. That’s one of the reasons I’ve been avoiding blogging. All my entries were variations of whiny and depressing and yaddy yadda.

As of last week (or was it the week before) I started applying for internships. It was then I started to feel satisfied again. There’s something about sending out papers with a proper letterhead that makes me feel important. I started working on my journal collection and writing in my personal journal again. 

Today I even decided to expand my search for internships from magazines to actual firms (well, one firm at this point but they produce REALLY cool work so here’s to hoping something positive happens).

I’ve also lowered my expectations because-SURPRISE-they used to be really high and when my unrealistic dreams weren’t realized, I became Debbie Downer. Seriously. Last month I got to see my current future husband perform live (with my future maid of honor by my side) and because I didn’t get to meet him afterward (which I was banking on) and missed the last train home because of it, I got really down in the dumps.

I looked good that day. I got my hair did, my outfit was age and personality appropriate, I even wore my date Spanx despite the fact it was the middle of June (commitment right there).

Anyway, I don’t want school to start because I fear that I’ll go back to being that dark person but this time I’m actually going to try, like really try, to do so many things differently. I still want to work hard but I want to not so much time on things. I want to produce work and kick ass, but not become cocky (I started to develop an attitude and it was seconds away from showing). I essentially want to adopt Kanye’s ego with Beyoncé’s humility and tact. I want to enjoy being young and independent. 

I don’t know. There is just so much to think about. That’s the other problem I’m working on.

I think too much.